A Field Guide from An Angeleno Insider
Below you will find a list of Do's & Don'ts for any LA girl on-the-go to keep it together. We here at TOTT have learned the hard way how to go about our days here in Hollywood thru trials and tribulations that we would never wish upon any of our readers. If only someone would have tipped me off to not mix those vodka sodas with those irish carbombs, or taken my phone away from me that fateful night I called my real life Mr. Big 40 times in a row in a blacked out haze while purchasing focaccia bread at Ralph's at 3am....
But that is neither here nor there!
We suggest carefully reading these and abiding by them at all times.
Oh, and you're welcome.
DO keep a bag of essentials in your car at
all times – toothbrush, deodorant, razor, tweezers, basic pair of heels,
workout clothes, athletic shoes, sandals –
ALWAYS be prepared!
DO NOT keep your entire closet in your
car. You don’t want people thinking you’re
the girl that never makes it home at the end of the night. ;)
DO wear all black all the time - Always let people assume you are mourning (a breakup, a death, a chipped nail)
DO NOT wear different shades of black all at once (We're trying to look heartless, not colorblind)
DO make sure your nails are always
manicured, especially if you wear rings, bracelets, or a watch.
DO NOT forget to moisturize! No one wants to
hold an ashy/dry hand, even if the nails are perfectly painted!
DO wear vintage tour t-shirts (‘94 & earlier), but only if they are authentic – fade, fit, and fabric are dead giveaways that you bought it at Urban Outfitters.
DO NOT wear a “vintage” band shirt of a band you are not familiar with. You never want to be the girl that’s rocking a Pixies tee and doesn’t know who Frank Black is.
When attending a trendy event or party that is guest list only, DO dress down your outfit and pair it with your most expensive accessories. You can always tell who is who in the shuffling crowd by one's handbag, scarf, or jewelry. Grungy elegance is an art and truly mastering the Malibu disheveled $3-flannel-and-black-diamond-rings vibe is like making it into the Louvre.
DO NOT wear a skin-tight mini dress to the club unless you are trying to look like a broke ass hoe. Anyone can afford a $59.99 dress from ANGL, only the elite can afford a $500+ pair of grungy motorcycle boots and a $100 ratty tee. (There is a time and place for all of our slutty dresses, and we all know that place is Vegas.)
DO splurge on 1 or 2 important fashion pieces that can take you thru the years and can be properly mixed in with your favorite Forever21 pieces.
DO NOT buy an item covered in logos. It's like shouting into a megaphone LOOK AT MY GUCCI PURSE FROM 3 SEASONS AGO. Less is always more, so opt for the more modest classic investment instead of a trendy textile.
DO NOT spend more than 5 minutes looking for a
parking meter to save money when you are out. Any longer than 5 min will be a frustrating waste of gas & time, and let’s not forget TIME IS MONEY!
DO always keep $20 hidden in your glove compartment in case of valet emergencies.
DO offer to pick the tab up for your friends every once in a while. It’s a nice gesture and karma will come back tenfold when you least expect it (or when you’re waiting for a paycheck & need it most!)
DO NOT be the one to pick apart a receipt at a restaurant – always offer to split a check evenly when out in large parties. If you have respectful friends, they’ll cover any drastic differences (like the 4 extra cocktails they ordered).
DO attend events alone every once in a
while. It’s a great way to force
yourself to be social and an even better way of learning to be secure with yourself.
DO NOT bring a gaggle of girls with you
everywhere you go. More than 2 guests is
inconvenient and annoying, especially if you were invited to a party or event.
DO go out on week nights. Weekends are too crowded everywhere and the douche’s come out to play.
DO NOT ever call-in sick to work over a hangover! Handle your liquor, set your alarm, and make it into work! (Even if you have to puke in the office bathroom a few times) Never forget Rule 76: “No excuses, play like a champion!”
DO make sure to wash your hands and remove all of last night's hand stamps before you start your day. (Nail polish remover works for most stamps!)
DO NOT wear club wristbands long enough to get tanlines (unless you are at Coachella, Lollapalooza, or on Spring Break ’99). They are not trophies, they are pieces of plastic and cost about 15cents each.
DO always bring a gift for the host! Whether it’s a bbq, housewarming party, or
just dinner at a friend’s house, never come empty-handed!
DO NOT talk about not being able to
afford something at a restaurant. Keep
your financials to yourself and order a salad & a water if you need to. They can’t blame a girl for sticking to her
diet!
DO keep close tabs on your
Facebook page. Make sure you are not
tagged in un-flattering or incriminating photos – remember, everyone can see these, even future employers! Also, take a gander at your privacy settings
to make sure you are secure, there are too many creeps in this world!
DO NOT spend hours lurking ANYONE
on FB, Twitter, or Instagram – the only
place it gets you is hurt and paranoid.
Keep yourself busy enough so that you don’t have time to check
social media more than once a day. *Consider deleting these apps off
your phone… it’s a game changer!
DO try to wait as long as possible before responding to a boy's text or email. If you give it a few hours, it will drive them crazy. Waiting more than a day is reserved for the big leagues, and should only be used during extreme cases of repent or punishment.
DO NOT believe anything a boy tells you or promises you until you see it with your own eyes. Boys are fuckin fickle! One day they'll be promising you a trip to London, and the next day they've vanished into thin air forcing you to the nearest happy hour, which all of a sudden doesn't feel so happy anymore.
And finally, DO live everyday by The Toasted of The Town motto "Lock this up" (while motioning circles around your face). No one likes a Sally Messy Raphael!
Ladies, do not take these Do's & Don'ts lightly!
Read them, study them, live them...
May the force be with you.
xx
Jackie P.
